Let's assume something for a second.

Let's assume that I was walking down an abandoned street late at night. Let's also assume that I had a wallet sticking out my pants with cash falling out periodically, was the whitest boy in a black neighborhood and was screaming idiotic drunk statements as far as the ear could hear. Let's also assume that in this part of the neighborhood, it could cost me my life.

Let's also assume that I did just that, came head to head with a group of bangers that make the WWE-wrestling guys look like babysitters. Let's also assume that they wanted to beat the crap out of me within one inch of my life. Let's assume there was no way out.

Well, except for one very specific way out.

Let's assume that these horrible, violent, criminal individuals gave me one chance to get out of it. They would let me live and give me free passage back to my nice warm bed if I would only dine with Britney Spears.

I would turn to them and say, "Please. Go ahead and beat the shit out of me now."

Britney is a nail-biting, trash-talking, digitally enhanced, clueless, annoying, value-devoid, frozen yogurt pounding, loud-mouthed, butter-faced goo-yah!

(Yes, 'goo-yah" is a made up word because there's no word to describe her in the way I have.)

As a Little schoolgirl with her pigtails and her over-modulated "hit me baby one more time." Her star rose higher and shone brighter than many as she took her hot looks and made her way to the top, primarily due to the almighty dollar as spent by 15 year old girls, and 45 year old men.

These days, you watch Britney Spears and you'll see one trainwreck after another. From her horrific TV show, that shows her in sequences no mother would ever want to see, to interviews as of late where all she talked about was the fact that she bites her nails all day long, thus necessitating fake nails.

Even though Paris Hilton is a no-talent, idiotic, austistic savant, these days I hold her in high regard compared to the Spearster. I dont know if you guys have heard her new album, but there are a couple of really good songs you'd never believe she's be able to pull.

And although just looking at Britney sickens me to the core and I would gladly take twenty hits to the face with brass knuckles before I ever have to spend any of my not so important evenings with her.