HUM DO !!
If as a kid you've grown watching Doordarshan.
Remember, those hum do hamare teen slogans (seen most often behind the truck behinds) in the late seventies? Not that i existed in the 70's but I've seen a lot of Photographs. They were subsequently replaced with Hum do humare do in the eighties, which inturn gave way to Hum do humara pyara eak.
I just hope, the Familiy Planning Ministry does not make it Hum hi bache, humare kyon bachhe. Or probably, they already have???
May 31, 2006
SOMETHINGS NEED TO CHANGE DONT THEY ??
Why is the word "forty" not spelled "fourty"? Doesn't this make more sense? I was writing a check the other day in the amount of 40,000 something and I accidentally spelled it like that. I was looking at the check thinking, What the hell is wrong with this? Something ain't right. Then I realized this "forty" bullshit. There should be a "u" up in that crap. I had to tear up the check, rather than just cross out the letter, because I didn't want some smart ass banker saying, "This Glenn Antao doesn't know how to spell 'forty'! What a dumbass! I'm hanging this check on my Wall of Idiots Who Write Stupid Things on Checks!"
I also now believe "twenty" should be "twoty" (pronounced tootie), "thirty" should be "threety," and "fifty" should be "fivety." For example, when people ask how old I am, I will say "I'm twoty four."
Why is the word "forty" not spelled "fourty"? Doesn't this make more sense? I was writing a check the other day in the amount of 40,000 something and I accidentally spelled it like that. I was looking at the check thinking, What the hell is wrong with this? Something ain't right. Then I realized this "forty" bullshit. There should be a "u" up in that crap. I had to tear up the check, rather than just cross out the letter, because I didn't want some smart ass banker saying, "This Glenn Antao doesn't know how to spell 'forty'! What a dumbass! I'm hanging this check on my Wall of Idiots Who Write Stupid Things on Checks!"
I also now believe "twenty" should be "twoty" (pronounced tootie), "thirty" should be "threety," and "fifty" should be "fivety." For example, when people ask how old I am, I will say "I'm twoty four."
GONE ARE THE DAYS
Up until about four months ago, my neighbor on one side of my apartment building had been a vacant lot. They are now putting up a new building there and the only thing I can really say about these construction workers is that they sure do wake up early. Luckily, Saturday through Thursday, I am up and out of the house before they get there, but on my days off, Thursday & Friday, they are there at 07:30 and not a minute later. I'm pretty sure this is the schedule that is posted on their bulletin board:
07:30 -- Arrive on time and talk insanely loud. When possible, yell at each other.
07:45 -- Open up shed. Do NOT open door slowly. Swing open as fast as possible, ensuring the door will bang into the side of the shed, causing a metallic echo throughout the neighborhood.
08:00 -- Begin emptying shed. Drop lots of stuff. Make sure it's heavy and loud when you drop it.
08:15 -- Turn on all power tools. Even if you don't need to use them, use them. If you see a drill laying around doing nothing, just turn it on and drill into the air.
08:20 -- Remember all that heavy stuffyou dropped about twenty minutes ago? Pick up a hammer and bang on it.
08:30 -- By now, the guy in the apartment next door should be awake. If you see him walking out of his room, through the kitchen and into the bathroom, you have done your job. Be as quiet as possible for the rest of the day. This should really piss him off.
Up until about four months ago, my neighbor on one side of my apartment building had been a vacant lot. They are now putting up a new building there and the only thing I can really say about these construction workers is that they sure do wake up early. Luckily, Saturday through Thursday, I am up and out of the house before they get there, but on my days off, Thursday & Friday, they are there at 07:30 and not a minute later. I'm pretty sure this is the schedule that is posted on their bulletin board:
07:30 -- Arrive on time and talk insanely loud. When possible, yell at each other.
07:45 -- Open up shed. Do NOT open door slowly. Swing open as fast as possible, ensuring the door will bang into the side of the shed, causing a metallic echo throughout the neighborhood.
08:00 -- Begin emptying shed. Drop lots of stuff. Make sure it's heavy and loud when you drop it.
08:15 -- Turn on all power tools. Even if you don't need to use them, use them. If you see a drill laying around doing nothing, just turn it on and drill into the air.
08:20 -- Remember all that heavy stuffyou dropped about twenty minutes ago? Pick up a hammer and bang on it.
08:30 -- By now, the guy in the apartment next door should be awake. If you see him walking out of his room, through the kitchen and into the bathroom, you have done your job. Be as quiet as possible for the rest of the day. This should really piss him off.
April 27, 2006
I'M GOIN' HOME
Just finished with watching "finding neverland". A very simple dreamy movie. at the climax , when tears fill the little boy's wide n clear hazel eyes and slide delicately down his fair and pristine cheeks,Death of his mother it was.
Death is a painful thing. Not the pain of the body. But the pain of seperation. Of not feeling the person around you anymore. Of missing the moments that you spent together.. of the thought of not being able to hear the persons voice anymore . If you’ve lost someone you love, you’ll know what it is. If you’ve never lost someone you love.. you’ll have no idea what Im talking about.
I know that death is not a pleasant thing. But just if we remember that it is there , waiting for of all of us,life can be more sincerely lived.Just remember that at the twilight,you will just have the moments made of these emotions and feelings to savour. nothing concrete. no money. no cars. no houses. no businesses run .no empires built.just these little moments.so we must be good.
a fast brain u may do without. but have a beautiful heart. People wont remember the money u got , but how you made them feel.
And the good news is that this thing called life has lately been, not exactly as horrible as listening to my neighbours Love songs. Yeah she still listens to them at 2 & 3 in the morning.
And I am going home.
The day has finally dawned and those three hours in the sky would carry me from a world of deadlines, assignments, and submissions to one of my parents smiles and my crazy buddies. A kinda hole in the heart remains when I am away from home.And the most painful part is when in the end of May ,I will haul my travel bag on my shoulder and look back and wave to them at the departure lounge of the Goa airport.Thats life,I think.
So people , thats very much it.Pray that a girl sits besides me on the flight and if u got time , ask god to make it a pretty , single and "telephone-number-exchanging" girl.
That’s for now.. you’ll hear from me in a day or too.
Just finished with watching "finding neverland". A very simple dreamy movie. at the climax , when tears fill the little boy's wide n clear hazel eyes and slide delicately down his fair and pristine cheeks,Death of his mother it was.
Death is a painful thing. Not the pain of the body. But the pain of seperation. Of not feeling the person around you anymore. Of missing the moments that you spent together.. of the thought of not being able to hear the persons voice anymore . If you’ve lost someone you love, you’ll know what it is. If you’ve never lost someone you love.. you’ll have no idea what Im talking about.
I know that death is not a pleasant thing. But just if we remember that it is there , waiting for of all of us,life can be more sincerely lived.Just remember that at the twilight,you will just have the moments made of these emotions and feelings to savour. nothing concrete. no money. no cars. no houses. no businesses run .no empires built.just these little moments.so we must be good.
a fast brain u may do without. but have a beautiful heart. People wont remember the money u got , but how you made them feel.
And the good news is that this thing called life has lately been, not exactly as horrible as listening to my neighbours Love songs. Yeah she still listens to them at 2 & 3 in the morning.
And I am going home.
The day has finally dawned and those three hours in the sky would carry me from a world of deadlines, assignments, and submissions to one of my parents smiles and my crazy buddies. A kinda hole in the heart remains when I am away from home.And the most painful part is when in the end of May ,I will haul my travel bag on my shoulder and look back and wave to them at the departure lounge of the Goa airport.Thats life,I think.
So people , thats very much it.Pray that a girl sits besides me on the flight and if u got time , ask god to make it a pretty , single and "telephone-number-exchanging" girl.
That’s for now.. you’ll hear from me in a day or too.
April 26, 2006
NOTHING BUT DISGUST
Yesterday I stopped to get something for dinner at the big food court in Deira City Centre. Two guys were sitting there eating their burger and fries with nothing to say to each other. One was a small, weaselly looking fellow, and the other was an older, crotchety looking man. After saying nothing and just eating their food for a while, the smaller guy abruptly said, "You know who used to hump ……?" …..I never found out who used to hump whom because my brain got stuck on the word "hump". Who actually uses that word when talking about sex? “HUMP” The only time it's ever used is when talking about bunny rabbits, or people who have lots of sex like bunny rabbits, or in the case of dogs having relations with a human leg.
"Dude, how was your date last night?"
"Pretty good."
"Oh yeah? Ya get humped?"
"Mary, how is your boyfriend?
"He's great. He humps me so good."
The way they went about with their conversation on 'Humps' was pretty disgusting.. cos i hate small talk... Dude if you know someone who did something with someone else. dont tell someone else what someone did with someone !!
so i guess I'll talk about something a little more disgusting...
I'll just talk about vomit.
The other day I saw pigeons eating vomit that was left on the sidewalk by someone. The ill person who couldn't make it to a bathroom in time must have had some vegetable soup before they got sick because the pigeons were gnawing on some carrots. It was pretty nasty looking, but I think that despite the fact that it was encrusted in vomit, that carrot was probably the healthiest thing a pigeon could find on a City street. This person who threw up... they couldn't make it to a bathroom, which is fine, because it's almost impossible to find a place that will let you use their restroom in the city, but they didn't even have the courtesy to puke in the street or next to a wall.
Apart from that There is something really amusing about people who vomit in the dark Alley’s behind garbage bins. It really can knock your self confidence down a few pegs. Even the rats stop to look at you, like, "Dude, that's fucking nasty." The best part about alley Vomiters is that they were usually out for a big night on the town, but now their night has culminated in expunging 400 AED worth of liquor, a piece of 3:00 in the morning pizza, and bile over the alley.
OK ...I'm done with vomit for now. Before I get sick myself..
Yesterday I stopped to get something for dinner at the big food court in Deira City Centre. Two guys were sitting there eating their burger and fries with nothing to say to each other. One was a small, weaselly looking fellow, and the other was an older, crotchety looking man. After saying nothing and just eating their food for a while, the smaller guy abruptly said, "You know who used to hump ……?" …..I never found out who used to hump whom because my brain got stuck on the word "hump". Who actually uses that word when talking about sex? “HUMP” The only time it's ever used is when talking about bunny rabbits, or people who have lots of sex like bunny rabbits, or in the case of dogs having relations with a human leg.
"Dude, how was your date last night?"
"Pretty good."
"Oh yeah? Ya get humped?"
"Mary, how is your boyfriend?
"He's great. He humps me so good."
The way they went about with their conversation on 'Humps' was pretty disgusting.. cos i hate small talk... Dude if you know someone who did something with someone else. dont tell someone else what someone did with someone !!
so i guess I'll talk about something a little more disgusting...
I'll just talk about vomit.
The other day I saw pigeons eating vomit that was left on the sidewalk by someone. The ill person who couldn't make it to a bathroom in time must have had some vegetable soup before they got sick because the pigeons were gnawing on some carrots. It was pretty nasty looking, but I think that despite the fact that it was encrusted in vomit, that carrot was probably the healthiest thing a pigeon could find on a City street. This person who threw up... they couldn't make it to a bathroom, which is fine, because it's almost impossible to find a place that will let you use their restroom in the city, but they didn't even have the courtesy to puke in the street or next to a wall.
Apart from that There is something really amusing about people who vomit in the dark Alley’s behind garbage bins. It really can knock your self confidence down a few pegs. Even the rats stop to look at you, like, "Dude, that's fucking nasty." The best part about alley Vomiters is that they were usually out for a big night on the town, but now their night has culminated in expunging 400 AED worth of liquor, a piece of 3:00 in the morning pizza, and bile over the alley.
OK ...I'm done with vomit for now. Before I get sick myself..
April 25, 2006
BAD RELATIONSHIPS & BURNING DESIRES
A good way to people watch without actually watching people is through online personals. There's a pretty good spectrum of folk on there. The pictures people put up are also sometimes very interesting. I once saw a girl with a photo of her in a wedding dress. She said “The marriage was a disaster! "
Are you telling me that you have no better photos than of one from your failed wedding day?! Isn't there one of you at your gynecologist, perhaps? Maybe you have one of when you got issued that restraining order. One of you at the park with your 11 year old daughter? How about a publicity photo from when you were on the Dr. Phil’s show -- "I Ain't Your Baby's Daddy; Paternity Tests Revealed."
Speaking of relationships..I heard someone on TV last night describe their relationship with someone as a roller coaster -- lots of ups and downs. This is a bad metaphor. On a roller coaster, the downs are the parts that are the most fun, which is not true in a relationship. The ups, while not bad on a roller coaster can't compare to the downs. And of course, the ups in a relationship are the best. Because of this shoddy cliché, if you ever say to me that your relationship is like a roller coaster, I will assume the following.
-- You had to wait in line for 30 minutes to get on your relationship.
-- People were throwing-up all over you.
-- When you went upside down, wrong things fell off your pocket.
-- You put your arms up and screamed everytime you went down.
When it was over, you were either incredibly happy, or you got a little nauseous (which is really the only thing roller coasters and relationships have in common).
People in relationships many a times even set themselves on fire speaking of which, when I was a kid, I had an infatuation with fire. I think it was a fairly healthy obsession. I could stare at a candle forever. Boys like fire. It's natural. I wanted to be a fireman. I didn't set fire to cats or anything destructive.
One time I was left home by myself. It was raining outside and very cold in the house and I thought I'd pretend to be a grown-up and start a fire in our wood burning stove in the kitchen. Bad idea. One of the main things my mother would always say before leaving the house was, "Don't touch the fireplace or play with fire." Whatever, man !
So as a child, I know that paper, dead leaves and wood are good at burning. I throw some logs in there and some newspaper. The newspaper burns out, and the wood? Nothing. Didn't catch. Solution? More newspaper!
So I pile in the newspaper and sure enough, one big flaming piece comes flying out onto the floor. Now, I freak out thinking that the paper will hit the table cloths and go up in flames. What do I do? The smart option would have been to use the poker thing and shove it under the stove or try and get it back in the stove and let it burn itself out. But as a mildly retarded eleven year old, I pick up the burning sports section and run like hell. Brilliant!
So I run to the nearest exit with the paper held high above my head. The problem with the nearest exit was that there were clothes kept to do the laundry. So now, not only am I running with burning ash flying all over the place, I'm running through the most flammable room in the house. I get to the door, open it up, and throw the paper into the rain. OK. Crisis averted. So I calm down and head back into the house, with a pretty nice burn on my hand. Nothing too bad, I run some cold water over it, then realize I've got some cleaning up to do.
I go back into the kitchen and find all the ash. Luckily, nothing was burned. I put out what was still burning in the fireplace. I triple check my torch run to glory for any remaining ash. If my mom or dad find any evidence of this, I'll be a dead man.
OK, house looks good. no evidence of this anywhere. Sweet. I'm going to get away with it. My parents get home later that evening, and the first thing my mom says is, "What's that smell? Were you making a fire?"
"Wha? No, God no. I would never disobey you dear mother! For, I merely lit a candle to soothe my senses whilst reading Goofus and Gallant!"
Sweet, she bought it! I'm in the zone! If only she knew, a mere two hours ago, I was very close to burning our humble abode to a pile of embers. An hour or so later, the entire family is eating dinner. My mother asks, "What's in your hair?"
"Huh?"
"There's something in your hair."
"No there's not."
"Yes there is. It's white!"
Mom comes in for a closer inspection. "It's singed! You singed your hair! You did try to start a fire!"
Indeed I did. And it was then I learned that no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to cover it up, my mom will always find out.
moms find out. Don't know how, but they find out. I believe that day was the last time I wanted to be a fireman. After that, I wanted to be a monkey. I've always wanted to be a monkey.
A good way to people watch without actually watching people is through online personals. There's a pretty good spectrum of folk on there. The pictures people put up are also sometimes very interesting. I once saw a girl with a photo of her in a wedding dress. She said “The marriage was a disaster! "
Are you telling me that you have no better photos than of one from your failed wedding day?! Isn't there one of you at your gynecologist, perhaps? Maybe you have one of when you got issued that restraining order. One of you at the park with your 11 year old daughter? How about a publicity photo from when you were on the Dr. Phil’s show -- "I Ain't Your Baby's Daddy; Paternity Tests Revealed."
Speaking of relationships..I heard someone on TV last night describe their relationship with someone as a roller coaster -- lots of ups and downs. This is a bad metaphor. On a roller coaster, the downs are the parts that are the most fun, which is not true in a relationship. The ups, while not bad on a roller coaster can't compare to the downs. And of course, the ups in a relationship are the best. Because of this shoddy cliché, if you ever say to me that your relationship is like a roller coaster, I will assume the following.
-- You had to wait in line for 30 minutes to get on your relationship.
-- People were throwing-up all over you.
-- When you went upside down, wrong things fell off your pocket.
-- You put your arms up and screamed everytime you went down.
When it was over, you were either incredibly happy, or you got a little nauseous (which is really the only thing roller coasters and relationships have in common).
People in relationships many a times even set themselves on fire speaking of which, when I was a kid, I had an infatuation with fire. I think it was a fairly healthy obsession. I could stare at a candle forever. Boys like fire. It's natural. I wanted to be a fireman. I didn't set fire to cats or anything destructive.
One time I was left home by myself. It was raining outside and very cold in the house and I thought I'd pretend to be a grown-up and start a fire in our wood burning stove in the kitchen. Bad idea. One of the main things my mother would always say before leaving the house was, "Don't touch the fireplace or play with fire." Whatever, man !
So as a child, I know that paper, dead leaves and wood are good at burning. I throw some logs in there and some newspaper. The newspaper burns out, and the wood? Nothing. Didn't catch. Solution? More newspaper!
So I pile in the newspaper and sure enough, one big flaming piece comes flying out onto the floor. Now, I freak out thinking that the paper will hit the table cloths and go up in flames. What do I do? The smart option would have been to use the poker thing and shove it under the stove or try and get it back in the stove and let it burn itself out. But as a mildly retarded eleven year old, I pick up the burning sports section and run like hell. Brilliant!
So I run to the nearest exit with the paper held high above my head. The problem with the nearest exit was that there were clothes kept to do the laundry. So now, not only am I running with burning ash flying all over the place, I'm running through the most flammable room in the house. I get to the door, open it up, and throw the paper into the rain. OK. Crisis averted. So I calm down and head back into the house, with a pretty nice burn on my hand. Nothing too bad, I run some cold water over it, then realize I've got some cleaning up to do.
I go back into the kitchen and find all the ash. Luckily, nothing was burned. I put out what was still burning in the fireplace. I triple check my torch run to glory for any remaining ash. If my mom or dad find any evidence of this, I'll be a dead man.
OK, house looks good. no evidence of this anywhere. Sweet. I'm going to get away with it. My parents get home later that evening, and the first thing my mom says is, "What's that smell? Were you making a fire?"
"Wha? No, God no. I would never disobey you dear mother! For, I merely lit a candle to soothe my senses whilst reading Goofus and Gallant!"
Sweet, she bought it! I'm in the zone! If only she knew, a mere two hours ago, I was very close to burning our humble abode to a pile of embers. An hour or so later, the entire family is eating dinner. My mother asks, "What's in your hair?"
"Huh?"
"There's something in your hair."
"No there's not."
"Yes there is. It's white!"
Mom comes in for a closer inspection. "It's singed! You singed your hair! You did try to start a fire!"
Indeed I did. And it was then I learned that no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to cover it up, my mom will always find out.
moms find out. Don't know how, but they find out. I believe that day was the last time I wanted to be a fireman. After that, I wanted to be a monkey. I've always wanted to be a monkey.
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