I WANT TO BE A GANGSTER

Throughout my entire life no one has ever felt threatened by me. I have always tried hard to be a little more thug, a little more gangsta. But in truth I cant even sip hot coffee without burning my tongue. I burn my mouth atleast twice a week. I make a total ass of myself.

Now I have a feeling I’m never get to the cusp of raising my gangsta status to greater heights.

Back in the day I learned a valuable lesson – “Don’t start getting serious about any girl until you meet the younger sister”.

Why?

Cos it is a well known fact that the younger sister is always hotter than the older one.

The younger sister has several distinct advantages over the older one:

- The parents made all their mistakes on the older one.
- Younger sister was most likely dropped less as a baby.
- Parents always babied the baby, while the older one was out on the street playing in the mud.
- And last but not least, younger is always better and they're a lot less cranky.

I know, I know.. my blog has suffered the last whole week. It’s been a week well wasted. Took some time off to do nothing. However I learnt a few things the last few days. In no particular order :

- I hate soap’s & shampoo’s that make me smell girly.

- I’ve learnt never to go for a haircut when India’s playing cricket. For those who do not know. I H A T E C R I C K E T !!!!! The other day , I decided to get a haircut and The barber was gut wrenchingly interested in the India – West Indies match on the television as he swiped scissors around my head. And the fact that the Indians were batting like a bunch of grandmothers wasn’t helping his mood. I was particularly scared when he mouthed " Those guys need to be slashed at their throats" and picked up the razor to work on me.

- I’ve learnt that I appeal to people who do me absolutely no good.

- I’ve finally learnt to make brownies, My mom taught me. As usual she gave me instructions like they’d give a 3 year old instructions to perform a complicated heart transplant.

- I’ve learnt that I’m as knowledged about relationships as Osama is to white doves.

- I’ve learnt that people want to read what I write when I’m high. Like what I write when im sober doesn’t bore them enough ! I still find that an interesting proposition.

For a week I think I’ve learnt enough.

SSHHHH !!!

hic! I've been a bad boy. hic!

I was at a barbeque party and met a girl (who could end up reading this) with the most hilarious phobias. She was afraid of heights, cats, and balloons freaked her out. OK heights I understand, but balloons and cats? The balloons it seems cos shes scared they suddenly burst. But cats ???

Much to her dismay there was this cat that strolled by us at the park and ofcourse, being, the good guy I am, I grabbed the cat and gleefully chased her around. I thought it was hilarious. She of course didn't.

That got me thinking, If an intelligence agency needed any kind of information that this babe had, they wouldn’t need to have a torture chamber. All anyone needed to do was to put her in a big tub with cats and suspend her with balloons high in the air. Heights, balloons, and cats all in one.. I thought it was brilliant. She didn't. Oh well.

They played that Shania song where she says something about being a little crazy and then she goes, "Oh-oh oh oh, I feel like a woman." Clearly some songs should not be allowed to be played in public spaces.

The reason I loathe this song, apart from the obvious (the obvious being the fact that it's ear poison), is that it gets stuck in my head for hours on end. So I'm walking back to my apartment and I'm practically singing to myself, "Oh-oh oh oh, I feel like a woman." And I don't know the other lyrics so it's just that line over and over.

I always had a fear that dead relatives can listen to my thoughts if they chose to, so I'd hate to have my grandfather be like, "Let's check in on what Glenn’s thinking about. Such a nice boy." Then he taps into my brain and hears "Oh-oh oh oh, I feel like a woman."

PAPER PLANES

People fly in and out of your life like paper planes. Some you'd wanna catch and hold on too. but you got to let go. Cos thats what paper planes are meant to do. they're meant to fly.

Then there are those that dont hang in there long enough to make any sort of significant impact in your life. They beg you to be the wind beneath their wings(huh). Then before you even deny them.. they bump and crash into you and your left with no choice but to walk through life with a broken paper plane stuck to your leg.

SOMETIMES ENGLISH CAN BE SO DIFFICULT

Whoever started the English language was quite confused himself. There are so many complications that could easily have been avoided like the word ‘fourty’ and the word ‘wont’.

Here was something that happened to me in first grade, I believe. Wait, might have been later. I'm not sure, but let's just say it was first.

Mrs. Eugene: Glenn, what is the contraction for "can not"?

Me: Can't.

Mrs. Eugene: Very good. And for "do not"?

Me: Don't.

Mrs. Eugene: Correct. And "will not"?

Me: Willn't.

Mrs. Eugene: (laughs) No. *looks around* Anyone else?

Someone else: Won't.

Me: That's fucking bullshit! It should be willn't. What the fuck is won't? Where the hell did you just pull that word out of? Sometimes I just hate the guy who invented English. ( Is invented the right word for that ) see it’s confused me so much already.

I haven’t slept for more then 3 hours a day the past whole week. I’m tired right now. I'd kill for a nap. But then I'd probably feel all guilty for killing someone just to get something as simple as a nap, so I doubt I'd be able to sleep. And I'm not sure killing anyone would ever result in getting a nap. You can't kill someone and get sleep. Well, I mean, you could kill someone and then go to sleep, but you wouldn't get sleep from killing them. You could steal a ‘hubba bubba’ from the person you just killed, but not sleep. You could get a bed and a pillow from the person you just killed as well, I suppose, but the actual act of sleep would not be gotten from killing anyone.

At this time I would like to take a moment to thank my favorite gum ‘hubba bubba’ for always being there for me. Whenever I was sad and lonely I would chew you and feel much better.

Forgive me my blabbering, I just need some sleep that’s all.

STUPID STUPID !!

Last night I parked the car & was walking to my apartment when i saw this little girl who was playing with a few kids. Im guessing none of them were more then 8 years old. I remember the girl very well cos the last time I saw her she was playing ‘hide and seek’ and was hiding behind a car. I had yelled her exact location to the seeker, much to her dismay. I know it was a bad thing to do. I loved the angry look on her face that day. Yesterday evening I looked at her and I could tell the li'l babe was still angry with me.

So anyway, I'm walking by, and the kids are enjoying themselves. As I pass by, this girl looks at me and says "You stupid." She said it with an Arab accent "Sthu-pit." It could be a name I thought. "Hello, my name is Stuandra Pitt. But you can call me Sthu-Pitt."

I was obviously insulted by this. So I say to her as I am walking by, "No you're not. You are."

Let's recap.

Little girl: You stupid.

Me: No you're not. You are.

In my attempt to prove to a kid that I wasn't stupid, I seemed to prove that I was, indeed, sthu-pit.

I kept walking and was like, "Damn, Glenn, you totally fucked that up. You had the chance to tell that kid straight up that she was sthu-pit, but you fucked it up."

I turned back to look at her and she had this really confused look on her face like, "Why would he tell me I wasn't stupid, then tell me right after that I was? His comeback makes no sense, He is indeed pretty sthu- pit. what an ass"

MY FRIEND ARNOLD

There’s this teeny li’l brown sparrow that comes and sits on the window at home. I’ve named him ‘Arnold’ after Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold the sparrow is cute, so I give it a few cheese crisps sometimes. Yesterday there was an annoying black bird that was troubling Arnold. That got me worried.. what if Arnold fell off the window and got hurt or even fell to his death ? They should electrocute the black bird.

I don't have much of an opinion on the death penalty, but this stupid black bird should be killed. I often tend to sympathize with anyone who is being killed, including criminals, but I wouldn't give a hoot if they put this guy down. How do you trouble a harmless little sparrow? How?

At first I thought, Feed him to the lions!!! But that's too easy. Lions would kill him too quick. Feed him to the crabs. Feed him to the fire ants. Feed him to something that is going to take a long time. But not starving kittens, because that would be so cute! Imagine watching someone getting the death penalty, and everyone going, "Awwww."

The other day I went downtown for a meeting with some publishing guys, when their fire alarms went off. Everyone was rushing down the stairs of the fire escape. This guy in front of me, however, was more interested in looking up at one of his co-workers on the stairs above him. He waved to her about ten times on the way down. He'd stop to get her attention. Asshole! There is a fire. Get out. Stop, drop and roll your ass!

Once we got to the lower floors, you could smell the smoke. It wasn't overbearing at all. It was sort of like sitting next to a campfire. But if you asked the guy behind me, he was in the middle of a blazing inferno. He called his wife or girlfriend or maybe his mother to alert her to the situation.

"Yeah. There's a fire. It's craaaazy. There's all this smoke. COUGHCOUGHAKLJFHL:DIHFKBIBECIU EABCOUGGHGHGHGCOUUGGGHGHGHGH!!!!"

I've met people with lung cancer, emphysema and whooping cough who coughed less than this guy. He was totally trying to get some action when he got home.

"Hey baby. I almost died today. Let's do it. And when I say 'it', I mean sex!"

Crisis averted. I got back at work this morning. I realized that three hours prior to the incident I deleted some gay chain letter email thing which warned me that if I didn't forward it to ten people, I'd probably get hit by a double decker bus or something like that. I wish i had known earlier, I could just scream out while I was walking down the stairs, "IT'S ALL MY FAULT! I DELETED A CHAIN LETTER! I'M SO SORRY! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

WORST NIGHT EVER

Last night I was so tired, yet was unable to fall asleep until 3am. And when I finally did fall asleep, I dreamt about not being able to fall asleep. Worst night of sleep ever.

EXPERT

Well, in case you weren't worried about Iran going nuclear, maybe you should now know that Iran’s defiance has the "experts" worried.

Seriously, I want to be an expert on something. I could totally do this. When I first heard the news of those nuclear weapons, I thought to myself, Hey, that's quite worrisome! But I didn't tell anyone because I'm not an expert.

They even have Nuclear watch-dogs, I devote a lot of my time to two things: one is watching tv, the other is switching from the refrigerator to the cupboard over and over again even though I know the same shit is in each one. Maybe I could be some kinda watch-dog. I even watch American Idol too. Courageous for admitting, I know.

J-ZEE

Theres always some screaming going on in my neighbourhood. The top two regulars are listed below in no particular order.

There is this baby that lives I should think 3 buildings away and is always crying almost non-stop. There is also this lady next door who yells at her cat nonstop.

Here was the conversation from yesterday:

‘J’zee’ usually sits just outside my apartment by the fire escape. I always called that cat Daisy, sounded so much nicer. I know Jay-z maybe a nice guy, but he’s not nice enough to be named after that cat.

She starts off calm. " J’zee! J’ZEE !! J’ZEE !!! J’ Z E E !!!!" It turns quite angry. She's nuts. And she acts like this cat can talk back to her.

Lady: J’zee! What are you doing?

J’zee: (Just sits there quietly and looks back at the Lady.)

Lady: J’ZEE! J’ZEE! You are driving me nuts!

J’zee: (silence)

Lady: What are you doing J’ZEE ? ? COME HERE J’ Z E E ! ! !

J’zee: (Does nothing except raises an eyebrow)

Me: (Uncontrollable laughter)

Lady: Oh, Jeez! Come on! Dinners ready. J’zee! J’ZEE !! J’ZEE !!! J’ Z E E !!!!

J’zee : (turns his head and goes back to sleep).

CLEANING WOES !

I was feeling wrestless over the weekend so I got to cleaning my room when I found a piece of paper that had a caricature of me with my handwriting that read "I’m mildly retarded."

I have no recollection of doing that, and it had to be within the past 2 years because I've only been living in my apartment since feb’05.

I am disturbed by this.

I also found a dead butterfly. This is less disturbing.

You'd think that, considering I've got so much time on my hands, I'd get a lot of shit done. Nope. I've got a lot to do, but I haven't been doing anything. God, I'm so damn lazy. I don't even want to finish this post.