Most people will give you directions if you just ask. It's funny how some people are so afraid to ask for directions in Dubai. I can spot these people a mile away. They look around, try to find a street sign to see if it makes any sense, and when that doesn't work, they start scoping out people who might be approachable. I am often a person who they go to, or at least consider going to. There are reasons. I am very non-threatening, I often dress like an old man, and I wear a t-shirt that says, "Are you lost, you dumbass? Ask me for directions, you big out-of-towner!"

Ok the t-shirt thing is a lie, but the rest is true. But people are very scared to trust anyone in Dubai, so they are very hesitant about asking for directions. There's an idea among many people that anyone who lives here is either in a rush or doesn't want to be bothered. The remainder could be a crazy thief/murderer/rapist, or just some relatively harmless psycho that talks to themselves and eats cigarette butts. I am usually in a rush, as is everyone in this city, but we are very often really not trying to get anywhere in a certain amount of time, it's just the speed at which things move around here. If you slow down or stop to look around, you get bumped into by sidewalk tailgaters, or you get a good stabbing in the kidneys.

They may do it abruptly and it'll seem rude. It won't be the same kind of service you'd get anywhere else. Don't expect any follow-up questions, like, "So how long are y'all in town for? What do you plan on doing while y'all are here? Have fun!" The response will most likely be a quick point of the finger and a hurried "One block that way." That's what I've found out. People are almost always one block away from where they want to be. When I see lost people I watch them until they make eye contact with me, and depending on my mood, I'll either give them my friendly "Come to me with your queries" look, or my slightly more psychotic "Ask me where you need to be... I dare you to fuckin ask me" glare.

Ok, I curse a little too much. I am aware of it. But I just can't ***king help it. I love to curse (or swear as some may say). The only time I won't curse is when children are within earshot. Any other times, all bets are off.

I blame my bad mouthing on Ashley. I went to school with Ashley and I've known him since kindergarten. We fell out of touch in middle school, as he became a smoker and I did not.

Anyway, one day in fourth grade, Ashley and I were walking when he said to me, "Glenn, I noticed that you don't curse." He then told me to say "shit." At first I was reluctant. I thought, Why should I start cursing now? I haven't up until this point and there have not been any negative effects from not doing it. Being that I was a pushover, I then quietly said "shit." We were walking very close to some windows to classrooms. God forbid a teacher hear me. But I said it and realized it wasn't so bad. Then Kevin said, "Now say 'fuck'." Whoa. That's the big one, I thought. Do I dare say it?

The first time I heard it (or at least heard it and recognized it was bad) was when Cliff came into my Sunday school class, and thumped his head on the table by mistake and said, "Aw fuck." One of the girls in my class gasped and said, "Cliff! That's a bad word!" He was obviously unaware of it and probably heard one of his parents use the word. The teacher wasn't in the classroom yet, so he got away with it.

Anyway, back to me and Ashley.

I think at first I told Ashley I wasn't going to say it (I was such a wuss!). But after some more peer pressure, I said it very quietly. He then told me to say it louder. So I said it a little bit louder. Then he said, "No, yell it. Just go, 'FUCK!'" He then yelled it a few more times consecutively like "FUCK FUCK FUCK!", when our English teacher peeked her head out of the window to take a look at what all the "fuck"ing was about. Then I think we ran.

So that day, I never did yell the word. But rest assured that set me on a path of cursing. The following year I was in my fifth grade class and some kid said something to me, and I said something back which was very clever like, "Fuck you." Rather than being upset, he said, "Glenn, you curse a lot now. You never used to." That made me feel pretty good. I never realized kids paid such close attention to the linguistic habits of others.

So I thank you, Ashley, where ever you might be, ya piece of shit.