GUILTY PLEASURES

Everyone was fast asleep in their rooms. I shut the door quietly with an uncertain resolve. The moment I'd been waiting all day long had finally arrived. I turned towards the TV and switched it on. The screen flickered into life as it flooded the relatively dark room with its bright rays.I turned down the volume rather hastily lest it alerted either of my folks. Once all the arrangements had been made,I settled down with my eyes firmly glued on the monitor.

A voluptuous woman started talking testily.I strained to hear what was being said but it didn't matter all that much as I had been through the rigmarole quite a number of times. Even then,some of the excitement was lost with the somewhat muted delivery. I cranked up the volume such that most of what was being said was audible. Tiny beads of sweat glistened all over my face as I looked on towards the monitor with unwavering concentration.I was most definitely in a state of heightened perception.

Most of the introduction was done when my hands got to work. My face became flush with excitement as I continued to peer into the monitor. I tried to take in as much as possible because every single frame was vital. Atleast for me.....

As time went on, my hand movements became highly erratic.It was almost impossible for me to co-ordinate my movements with what I was seeing. Soon my fingers flayed all over the place...back and forth,sometimes to the right,sometimes to the left.It was safe to say that I was almost delirious with passion.

I could no longer keep up with the frenetic pace at which my hands seemed to be moving. My fingers felt tired and I let out my first pant for the night.

It isn't going to take me much more time, I thought to myself.

I should have stopped then and there but I had committed myself too far in to throw in the towel towards the climax of the night.

"Hem,hem.” Someone cleared their throat behind me.Startled, I looked behind anxiously.

A pair of angry eyes greeted mine.

I had been so enthralled with myself that I didn't hear Dad let himself in.

"I should have bolted the door....." , I thought to myself.But I was too eager: to start,to please myself.

"Stupid,stupid,stupid...",I cursed myself.

Dad looked towards the monitor and then back at me.I looked down somewhat shamefully.

What else could one have done ; especially after being caught red-handed.I couldn't possibly feign ignorance over the whole matter. I hope Dad understands. Even he must have done something terribly stupid back in his teenage years.

Marshalling my courage I looked up timidly only to gaze down again as Dad spoke out.

"Son,which part of "not using the playstation to play Tomb Raider after 11 pm" didn't you get?"

It's going to be a long night , I thought to myself...

when I was a kid, I had an infatuation with fire. I think it was a fairly healthy obsession. I could stare at a candle forever. Boys like fire. It's natural. I wanted to be a fireman. I didn't set fire to cats or anything destructive.

One time I was left home by myself. It was raining outside and very cold in the house and I thought I'd pretend to be a grown-up and start a fire in our wood burning stove in the kitchen. Bad idea. One of the main things my mother would always say before leaving the house was, "Don't touch the fireplace or play with fire." Whatever, man !

So as a child, I know that paper, dead leaves and wood are good at burning. I throw some logs in there and some newspaper. The newspaper burns out, and the wood? Nothing. Didn't catch. Solution? More newspaper!

So I pile in the newspaper and sure enough, one big flaming piece comes flying out onto the floor. Now, I freak out thinking that the paper will hit the table cloths and go up in flames. What do I do? The smart option would have been to use the poker thing and shove it under the stove or try and get it back in the stove and let it burn itself out. But as a mildly retarded eleven year old, I pick up the burning sports section and run like hell. Brilliant!

So I run to the nearest exit with the paper held high above my head. The problem with the nearest exit was that there were clothes kept to do the laundry. So now, not only am I running with burning ash flying all over the place, I'm running through the most flammable room in the house. I get to the door, open it up, and throw the paper into the rain. OK. Crisis averted. So I calm down and head back into the house, with a pretty nice burn on my hand. Nothing too bad, I run some cold water over it, then realize I've got some cleaning up to do.

I go back into the kitchen and find all the ash. Luckily, nothing was burned. I put out what was still burning in the fireplace. I triple check my torch run to glory for any remaining ash. If my mom or dad find any evidence of this, I'll be a dead man.

OK, house looks good. no evidence of this anywhere. Sweet. I'm going to get away with it. My parents get home later that evening, and the first thing my mom says is, "What's that smell? Were you making a fire?"

"Wha? No, God no. I would never disobey you dear mother! For, I merely lit a candle to soothe my senses whilst reading Goofus and Gallant!"

Sweet, she bought it! I'm in the zone! If only she knew, a mere two hours ago, I was very close to burning our humble abode to a pile of embers. An hour or so later, the entire family is eating dinner. My mother asks, "What's in your hair?"

"Huh?"

"There's something in your hair."

"No there's not."

"Yes there is. It's white!"

Mom comes in for a closer inspection. "It's singed! You singed your hair! You did try to start a fire!"

Indeed I did. And it was then I learned that no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to cover it up, my mom will always find out.

moms find out. Don't know how, but they find out. I believe that day was the last time I wanted to be a fireman. After that, I wanted to be a monkey. I've always wanted to be a monkey.

-picked this one from my archives! theres another post about to follow.

You struggle to start life afresh ! A new hope, a new direction, but days later your life's something else entirely!! much much worse then what it was.

I've spent years trying to come to terms with it. alternating between sleeplessness and nightmares, between living and merely existing, between holding on and spinning my wheels. Life’s taken some odd twists and turns.

In the final analysis, however, acceptance is inevitable. Because life goes on. It's in our nature to hold on and not move forward. To pick up the pieces of our broken lives and broken hearts and try to make them whole again. There's no point in anger, or bitterness. Of living in the past or in dwelling on what might have been. Life is what it is and all I can do is learn from it and be the best I can be.

SPYKID !!

At 6:00am this morning I pressed the button for the elevator and was waiting for it to come along. Then this kid on his way to school comes up, sees me & pushes the elevator button again. Wait a sec, You see me waiting there. You see the button lit up. Do you have to push it too? You think maybe you have some special magical elevator touch? And that when you touch that button, the elevator detects your scent?

Whoa 'spykid' , thank God you came along and pushed that button for me because I’m sure the elevators thinking “This Glenn can push my button all day, but I'm gonna hang out up here for awhile until.... fuck, that's spykid! Forgive me spykid I'm coming! I'm coming!”

Anyway, we get in and the elevator starts going down. Somewhere midway, this school girl gets in and we’re on our way again. I get off the elevator and keep walking. Suddenly I remember I had parked my car closer to the emergency exit. So I turn back to get to the stairs of the emergency exit. Im walking down the stairs and see the most amusing site anyone would expect before sunrise. 'Spykid' and 'School Girl' making out !! I have to admire their courage to do that in their uniforms, at no older than 12 years and at 6:00am. Yeah, I know, making out is part of the relationship package no matter what. But I’m not in the mood for soft core porn at 6:00am in the morning, and please not at the emergency exit.

Get a room kids! I look at my neighbour 'spykid' and give him the.. ‘Give me your elevator powers or I'm gonna be telling your mom about you’ smirk. Maybe I belong to an era long gone. But I'm really wondering if its ok for kids to be making out in their uniforms before sunrise?

SHE WANTS TO GET BACK IN MY LIFE AGAIN !!

A sneaky bitch she was, I never wanted to see her again. Life was such a happy song before she arrived once more. Stealthily she appeared on my doorstep, Her arrival camouflaged by silence. I had a premonition she was coming; my silver spoon falling off. Suddenly, water spilled for no reason.. and the headaches?? I was in denial. I thought she was an illusion and tried closing my door. But she just kept on knocking, what a bitch.

Then everything began to fall. Slow days and more bad headaches. Friends leaving. Loved ones fighting. work never seemed to be right. All i could do was stare, sleep and sigh, everything's falling I thought. I fumbled on what to do. I could never ask her to leave. i could see that smirk on her face. She seemed to enjoy my predicament. She even asked for half my bed. Half my bed! To be a part of my life. How could i sleep after what she'd done to me before? It was almost eternity, until I realized She was here to stay, for as long as I wouldn't accept.

Then we started talking. Her visits more frequent. I'd been wasting time on so many earthly things she grieved. She is the enigma of what i forgot to do in the past and her aura, a strong reminder of what I was before. "You can always enjoy what you have today, but remember what you were yesterday and what you want for yourself tomorrow". "Because if you fail, I will surely knock again in your doorstep and occupy even the whole of your bed!!"

I shivered.

She is the warning- a recurring, distasteful stench that reminded me of the foolishness I've preoccupied myself with now. I let her have her way, I could sleep on my couch I know, I did that before. I called my friends talked to them about my visitor and said sorry If i was a total asshole. All this I did waiting for that bitch to go.

Well, now I don't care. Donn't matter to me if she's there or not. I do my stuff, just like before. And she went away, unnoticed just like that. The bitch. I wasn't able to get her name.

Most people around call her"BOREDOM". Maybe it was an appropriate name after all..

I dreamt last night that I met this girl who I went to kindergarten with, she terrorised me in my KG class. Those two sentences got very confusing. Damn. Anyway, I really hated that girl as a kid.

In my dream she adopted a baby from Dunkin' Donuts. It turned out to be a really bad baby, kind of like Problem Child. She was all mad about this baby, but I felt sorry for her and told her that it was a bad idea to get a baby at Dunkin' Donuts. I was kind of just like, "Shoulda just got a chocolate frosted donut. Can't go wrong there. They're not really known for their babies." I don't think I said that exact line, but that was the gist. I want to have dreams like normal people.

I thought I'd go to the Park for a run yesterday. Was a beautiful day. I was there playing mini-soccer with a couple of fellas. We were able to find a patch of land unoccupied by too many people, it wasn't the most ideal place to dodge a soccerball. But it did the job.

At one point, a father and his two kids decided to start kicking around a soccer ball too. Great. Now I've got to watch out for those kids or else I've got blood on my hands. One of the kids is this cute little two-year-old girl smiling like an idiot kicking the ball. I get a ball hit to me, it's in the dirt and it skips by me. Now, it looks like a laser-guided football making it's way right towards little Sally (that's what I named her). Of course, I can't do anything. The ball is going way faster than me and stupid little Sally is just standing there kicking a ball that's almost as big as she is. I can't yell at her to tell her to move. Shouting "Hey two-year-old, dive!" would probably not work.

So the ball zooms right behind her little legs and just misses her. She, still kicking the soccer ball and still smiling like a dumb little kid without a care in the world. She's OK.

After that, there was another ball that was overthrown and went near her. Not as close as the other one, but dangerous enough where if I was a father I would realize the danger and move to a more kid-friendly area in the park. But apparently Sally's father is stupider than she is, despite the many more years he's had on this planet. He decides to stay there. I wanted to pick her up and start running. I'd run with her for about ten feet, then put her down and turn to the father and say, “Keep an eye on your kids, ya dumb fuck." Except I wouldn't have used such coarse language in front of little Sally.

I often think my blog is infinitely more interesting than I am.

One time I was talking to a girl, and during a lull in the conversation, she said to me, "I wish your blog was here." I don't believe she intended for it to sound as bad as it sounded. But it sounded bad. But I’ve got over it now.

ANNOYING QUESTIONS

You have either landed here for the first time today…or you have been reading my crap since kingdom come. Whatever be the case, you probably wonder..

what kind of guy would write such crazy stuff.

I know you know. I know you know how incredibly annoying it is to be bombarded with these kinds of stupid questions every single day of your life. Because it happens. It happens to all of us. All of the time.

What? Where? Who? When? How?

Some questions don't have answers but are asked on a daily basis anyway. Some questions have easy answers but you hate answering it because the question itself is just dumb. Then there are those questions that don't even need an answer and so you question why the question was even asked in the first place.

Confused? atleast I think I am. I know i wanted to make a point here but i cant quite remember what it was.

THIS ONES FOR THE GUYS

Why don't women pick the right guys? Or even more to the point - why do women pick all the wrong guys?

To me all women fall for 3 things, because I know what they want. atleast most of the women today chose guys with the 3 things that I have outlined below. So..

1. BE DANGEROUS – women love danger. So be dangerous and beat your girls routinely.

2. BE DESIRABLE – women love it when men are wanted by other women. The only way to show that you're wanted by another women, is to have sex with other women, If you're caught cheating on the woman that you are “with”, first deny it, then admit to it and then make up an excuse about it not being your fault and how the other women took advantage of you. Once she's taken you back, the sex will be 10x better.

3. BE A JERK – women love men that are jerks. So be a jerk, be a really great one: never hold the door for her, rarely compliment her, rarely tell her that you love her and never ever call her back until she has called you at least 3-times. If you do accidentally compliment her, don’t panic; take it back by picking at one of her flaws until she cries.

Im not as sarcastic as i thought i could be.

Women I believe are like cats. They sneak around, enjoy being petted, don’t get along with other cats, are always attention hungry and leave you when you’re dying. Oh and yes they dig their nails into you.

Men on the other hand they say are a lot like dogs. They get along easier with other dogs, are loyal and simply basic creatures. But just like men, dogs have one downfall; they chase cats. I have never actually seen a dog catch a cat which makes me wonder why they even bother. The same goes for men chasing women, although its amusing how some women look at you and expect to be chased.

(Disclaimer: I do realize that about 65% of the male population has the IQ of a stray and another 10% enjoys chasing same-sex dogs, this article of course does not apply to them.)

Out of all the moments that one can choose to learn how to play an instrument, neighbour girl decided to give it a shot at 2am on tuesday night, right outside my balcony.

Out of all the instruments one can choose to learn on, she decided she would learn a clarinet.

And out of all the songs one can choose to play, she decided she would learn the 'Auld Lang Syne'.

Its early november, why would someone play a Scottish New Year song this early.

For 30-minutes I listened to her rendition of how 'Auld Lang Syne' could be played wrongly. She finally managed to play the entire notes correctly. Atleast her getting the notes correct was less stressfull.

I WANT TO BE A GANGSTER

Throughout my entire life no one has ever felt threatened by me. I have always tried hard to be a little more thug, a little more gangsta. But in truth I cant even sip hot coffee without burning my tongue. I burn my mouth atleast twice a week. I make a total ass of myself.

Now I have a feeling I’m never get to the cusp of raising my gangsta status to greater heights.

Back in the day I learned a valuable lesson – “Don’t start getting serious about any girl until you meet the younger sister”.

Why?

Cos it is a well known fact that the younger sister is always hotter than the older one.

The younger sister has several distinct advantages over the older one:

- The parents made all their mistakes on the older one.
- Younger sister was most likely dropped less as a baby.
- Parents always babied the baby, while the older one was out on the street playing in the mud.
- And last but not least, younger is always better and they're a lot less cranky.

I know, I know.. my blog has suffered the last whole week. It’s been a week well wasted. Took some time off to do nothing. However I learnt a few things the last few days. In no particular order :

- I hate soap’s & shampoo’s that make me smell girly.

- I’ve learnt never to go for a haircut when India’s playing cricket. For those who do not know. I H A T E C R I C K E T !!!!! The other day , I decided to get a haircut and The barber was gut wrenchingly interested in the India – West Indies match on the television as he swiped scissors around my head. And the fact that the Indians were batting like a bunch of grandmothers wasn’t helping his mood. I was particularly scared when he mouthed " Those guys need to be slashed at their throats" and picked up the razor to work on me.

- I’ve learnt that I appeal to people who do me absolutely no good.

- I’ve finally learnt to make brownies, My mom taught me. As usual she gave me instructions like they’d give a 3 year old instructions to perform a complicated heart transplant.

- I’ve learnt that I’m as knowledged about relationships as Osama is to white doves.

- I’ve learnt that people want to read what I write when I’m high. Like what I write when im sober doesn’t bore them enough ! I still find that an interesting proposition.

For a week I think I’ve learnt enough.

SSHHHH !!!

hic! I've been a bad boy. hic!

I was at a barbeque party and met a girl (who could end up reading this) with the most hilarious phobias. She was afraid of heights, cats, and balloons freaked her out. OK heights I understand, but balloons and cats? The balloons it seems cos shes scared they suddenly burst. But cats ???

Much to her dismay there was this cat that strolled by us at the park and ofcourse, being, the good guy I am, I grabbed the cat and gleefully chased her around. I thought it was hilarious. She of course didn't.

That got me thinking, If an intelligence agency needed any kind of information that this babe had, they wouldn’t need to have a torture chamber. All anyone needed to do was to put her in a big tub with cats and suspend her with balloons high in the air. Heights, balloons, and cats all in one.. I thought it was brilliant. She didn't. Oh well.

They played that Shania song where she says something about being a little crazy and then she goes, "Oh-oh oh oh, I feel like a woman." Clearly some songs should not be allowed to be played in public spaces.

The reason I loathe this song, apart from the obvious (the obvious being the fact that it's ear poison), is that it gets stuck in my head for hours on end. So I'm walking back to my apartment and I'm practically singing to myself, "Oh-oh oh oh, I feel like a woman." And I don't know the other lyrics so it's just that line over and over.

I always had a fear that dead relatives can listen to my thoughts if they chose to, so I'd hate to have my grandfather be like, "Let's check in on what Glenn’s thinking about. Such a nice boy." Then he taps into my brain and hears "Oh-oh oh oh, I feel like a woman."

PAPER PLANES

People fly in and out of your life like paper planes. Some you'd wanna catch and hold on too. but you got to let go. Cos thats what paper planes are meant to do. they're meant to fly.

Then there are those that dont hang in there long enough to make any sort of significant impact in your life. They beg you to be the wind beneath their wings(huh). Then before you even deny them.. they bump and crash into you and your left with no choice but to walk through life with a broken paper plane stuck to your leg.

SOMETIMES ENGLISH CAN BE SO DIFFICULT

Whoever started the English language was quite confused himself. There are so many complications that could easily have been avoided like the word ‘fourty’ and the word ‘wont’.

Here was something that happened to me in first grade, I believe. Wait, might have been later. I'm not sure, but let's just say it was first.

Mrs. Eugene: Glenn, what is the contraction for "can not"?

Me: Can't.

Mrs. Eugene: Very good. And for "do not"?

Me: Don't.

Mrs. Eugene: Correct. And "will not"?

Me: Willn't.

Mrs. Eugene: (laughs) No. *looks around* Anyone else?

Someone else: Won't.

Me: That's fucking bullshit! It should be willn't. What the fuck is won't? Where the hell did you just pull that word out of? Sometimes I just hate the guy who invented English. ( Is invented the right word for that ) see it’s confused me so much already.

I haven’t slept for more then 3 hours a day the past whole week. I’m tired right now. I'd kill for a nap. But then I'd probably feel all guilty for killing someone just to get something as simple as a nap, so I doubt I'd be able to sleep. And I'm not sure killing anyone would ever result in getting a nap. You can't kill someone and get sleep. Well, I mean, you could kill someone and then go to sleep, but you wouldn't get sleep from killing them. You could steal a ‘hubba bubba’ from the person you just killed, but not sleep. You could get a bed and a pillow from the person you just killed as well, I suppose, but the actual act of sleep would not be gotten from killing anyone.

At this time I would like to take a moment to thank my favorite gum ‘hubba bubba’ for always being there for me. Whenever I was sad and lonely I would chew you and feel much better.

Forgive me my blabbering, I just need some sleep that’s all.